I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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