Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell her she can't have a vagina
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
