The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
