I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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