Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
