I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
