My nipple is on Facebook.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
And then he peed in my hair
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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