Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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