hell yes lets make some ravioli
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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