...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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