his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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