there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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