So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
