So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
