I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
