I'm lost and stupid without you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
