Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
