i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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