I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
