so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
