i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
