I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
