We won't sleep together?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
