accomplished twins. life is a go
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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