He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
