turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
