I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i dont even know how to be here
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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