I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
