i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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