Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
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