hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
