u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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