you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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