when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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