I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
