it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
