so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
