Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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