can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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