Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
