she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
