So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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