Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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