I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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