I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Operation Purity has been aborted
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
