i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The air was thick with penises
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
