I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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