woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
