So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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