Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
